Empty barrels make the most noise

Male. Single. 26. West Indian. New Jersey. Passionate.

im feeling songs.

i noticed earlier the number specificity that i had when the anxiety came along last time.

the last time i fell in love, which was dangerous because it wasnt with a person, it was with the idea of.. purpose of fulfillment of a moment and i almost did something very dangerous.
at least im weary of it this time.

it’s strange to experience emotion again - through songs. might sound strange coming from someone who considers themselves a musician, but i’ve had to keep it from scaring me again. 

love’s not an easy thing for me. it’s dangerous to my health, especially upon it’s loss, or when i pair it with something else other than a person.

i miss having a muse. i miss having someone. i find myself thinking about how there’s really noone for me. there’s signs in the people who care for you. and well. there’s never any signs. i have become stale goods. 

people find that i am good to be used, not to be had. 

sigh. i smoked. just a teensy bit. but the one day challenge has happened at least. lets go for two days, and then three, then five. Fibonacci progressions. uhhh, oh, at least i started organizing and getting things done though.


also, i now know pivot tables. 

oh powerful one.
protect us in our endeavours
upon our journeys and inspire us though the trials.

help us to bring forth bliss and instill life and creativity into all that we touch.

and adequately prepare us for any hardships that come our way.

and write it so, that we are prosperous, and we succeed.

i ask this for all, not myself alone, especially during this time of travel. 
thank you.

last night was a trying time for sleep.

there was so much empty space within the night. i wasnt occupied. i was waiting. i ran through some things i’ve had and.. well emotions came up.

and i wanted to distract myself with weed (which was my general thing for organizing and preparing and motivation to get up and do things) , and then non-inebriated organizing things, but finding the motivation was hard as well.

sleep’s also not been the easiest of recent. im not sure what it is.

i’m currently (for a temporary short period), trying to wean myself off of the ‘erb. i’ll party when party time comes, but aside from that.. no erb usage for any non-threatening life situation. and it’s possible i’ll be in a fragile place with reduced weed usage, so i’ll be weary of alcohol usage as well. this is dumb to say because friday coming, i’ll definitely be gettin crunked the fuck up for the entire weekend. 

CARIBANA WOOOO. more importantly my favorite person in the world who i havent seen in like. a year or something. 

me and my grandma are probably in the same position.

there is a feeling of despair within this space.

what do i do with this?
how do i rid myself of it?

feeling. lonely. alone. 


boop.